Chet's Cheap Grub Grill --Food Frivolity and Adventure Stories

I turned a complete circle looking for some sign of where I had come from. No luck. Everything looked the same. I found a large stick and started banging on the empty gas can I had carried from the truck to haul water for the radiator. I banged for a few minutes and then stopped, listening. The woods had turned silent. Dead still. So quiet you could hear a squirrel fart. I started banging the can again but this time mixed in some hysteric yelling. Suddenly the little hairs on the back of my neck rose as I sensed movement behind me. I whirled and found myself face to face with a...buffalo.
I stood nose to nose with the ugliest woman I had ever seen. She had rheumy eyes with bags big enough to warrant a $10 tip for a porter. Her head was huge. The face was fleshy and corpulent with lips like two thick slices of liver. She looked like some sick madman's version of Mr. Potato Head.
"I'm lost. Could you help me?" I asked. Her answer was a crack across my arm with some sort of polished stick resembling a mini totum pole. As I stood speechless and a little unnerved at the surprise attack, she motioned with a combination of lip movements and finger gestures to follow her. Having no where else to go, I complied, albeit, hesitantly.
We had walked for only a few moments when I detected the smell of woodsmoke and a strong odor of fish cooking. Suddenly from behind a large pine stepped a large swarthy man with long gray hair and matching beard; his head topped with a red stocking cap and wearing an ankle length herringbone duster. "Ischezni!!" he yelled in voice heavy with a Russian accent. "Excuse me?" I sheepishly replied. "ISCHNEZNI!!" he yelled louder only this time he pulled out a pistol with a big barrel and pointed it at my face. My bowels went to flutterin'.
"I'm lost and this woman led me here! I mean no harm. I'm just a guy looking to catch a fish and go home. Seriously pardner, I'll just turn around right now and go back the way I came." I was really groveling. He pulled back the hammer on the gun.
"Shut up you fool and walk toward me 5 steps." I marched off five steps.
"Make that 3 more steps zadnitza," he growled. I clipped off three more steps which put me with the gun barrel on my nose.
"Close enough funny fellow. What is your name, rank and serial number?"
"Well sir, the names Chet. My social is 527778799 and I don't have any rank to speak of."
"My name is Captain Vasya Pupkin, United Soviet Army Intelligence. You are my prisoner."

This Just In:
-Mothers Milk Turns On Females
It seems that scientific research has shown that smelling mothers milk turns females into horndogs. Read all about it. discover.com/web-exclusives/sexy-nursing-mom0209/
-Cats in the Crosshairs
The happy folks in cheeseland have decided there are too many cats in town. Watch out Fluffy.
http://boingboing.net/
-"Apprentice" butthead Chris gets arrested because of anger problem. Reaaaaly.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2005-04-12-trump-comments_x.htm

Chet Sez: For A Healthy, Happy Life:
-never ride public transportation or eat food between the hours of 3-5 am.
-do not leave cat food stored in tupperware in the fridge. Especially if you come home hungry from the bars.
-get a visual sighting of your girlfriends mother before you think about long term plans.
-learn the difference between topical and oral