Chet's Cheap Grub Grill --Food Frivolity and Adventure Stories

Birth of the Recipe:

I had been stinking drunk for four days and working on five. My host was Mel Famey, a large black man, one time Wisconsin oil wildcatter, now full time bar owner. His place was called Mels. The town was called Moanda. The country Zaire. A month prior I had hired on as a cooks helper aboard a 5000 ton freighter sailing under a Portuguese registry -- the San Juan Monte Cristo del Queso. Things were going swell until we were ten days out of Lisbon, a few miles from the Central African coast. The Capitain's wife decided she wanted to play a little pin the tail on the donkey one night with a rich American...or any American for that matter. She was a fan of Hollywood and thought I looked like Farley Granger or was it Stewart Granger? I forget. The Capitain wasn't that impressed with movie stars and so I became the guest of honor for the Portuguese version of walking the plank. They bypassed the plank and two brutes picked me up and gave me the bums rush overboard. Fortunately, I bellyflopped not far from a Congolese fisherman who plucked me out of the drink. We docked at Moanda and after helping my rescuer unload his catch, he escorted me to Mel's for a couple of cold Skols. Mel didn't get many Americans in his place and he was starved about news from home. Baseball, politics and old doo wop songs filled the hours. Mel offered me his office couch to flop in until I could get solvent. I spent the next few days entertaining customers with a few impressions,card tricks and a decent mime routine. At nights I played the zither for tips and drinks. The gin was straight up, the beer was warm and the Mwamba Stew filled up the hungry spot.
Things were looking bleak. I needed some real cash flow to pony up with Mel and get the hell out of Zaire. I was working the night crowd with some hot zither licks when he walked in. Deveroux. The name still brings night terrors, goose bumps and a localized tic in my right eye. He was tall, well coiffed and dressed to the nines. Silk white pants, sans socks and tasseled Gucci loafers. His torso was hairy, but not too hairy and covered only by a very expensive looking herringbone coat. He flashed a diamond rock on his pinky the size of a fat mans big toe. I finished the set and started to pack up when he approached and said, "I like your zither playing Mr. Chet. My name is Deveroux. May I buy you a drink and maybe talk some...business?" His words flowed as smooth as low fat Miracle Whip. Mel poured four fingers of gin in two glass jars and placed them on the bar.
"Mel...you forgot the hair in my drink," I growled sounding like a guy who was tougher than he looked.
"So Mr. Deveroux what I can I do you for?" I asked in my best non-chalantae. Deveroux took a long pull from his cocktail and replied, "Mr Chet, have you ever killed anyone? " TO BE CONTINUED

Mwamba Stew

Ingrediments:
One lb Chicken Breasts (thighs ok) Or any legal meat indigenous to your area
Sea Salt
Vegetable Oil (or canola or whatever's on sale)
Vitamin O -- 2 big ones
Tomato Sauce (big can)
Tomatoes -- 4 or 5 (whatever you can afford without taking out a loan)
Spices -- whatever you like
Uncle Ben's Instant Rice

Utenseels:
Large pot
Sharp knife (remember: a dull knife is dangerous in a kitchen)
Grandmas Wooden spoon
Micro wave safe bowel to cook rice
One slinky toy or the candlestick token from Clue (optional)
Let's Cook:
Rub salt (to taste) into meat product
Saute meat and onions in oil until brown adding your favorite spice
Cover with tomato sauce
Add cut up tomatoes
Simmer low heat uncovered until meat is tender
Serve over rice

Great Movie Moments:

Lucky Day: "I suppose you could say that everyone has an El Guapo. For some, shyness may be an El Guapo. For others, lack of education may be an El Guapo. But for us, El Guapo is a large, ugly man who wants to kill us." (Three Amigos)

Did You Know?Moderate beer drinking (3 beers a day) may control cholesterol as effective as jogging. A few brewskis seems to increase the level of HDL (the good cholesterol) just as moderate exercise does. Jogging and drinking at the same time did not double the increase of HDL. Sorry. (source: Journal of the American Medical Association)

This Just In: New federal dietary guideline: "When watching TV, get down and do ten push-ups and five sit-ups." No direction to when this vigorous workout was to take place ie; between shows, during commercials etc.

Coming soon -- Episode 6: Mr Chet, Assassin -- A Deal with Deveroux plus Vienna Sausage Sandwich Surprise with guest ingrediments, Wonder Bread and Miracle Whip.