Chet's Cheap Grub Grill --Food Frivolity and Adventure Stories

I didn't have much time until Deveroux showed. I knew he had one thing on his agenda. "Damn it!" I shouted. 5000 Euros. What the hell had I been thinking about! Deveroux hadn't tracked me all the way from Africa to talk about a repayment plan. I didn't have a weapon, had no car. I was SOL. Suddenly the light bulb blinked on.
"Gaston, this is something I need you to do." I quickly laid out the scheme for the French lad.
As Gaston hurried back to the main house, I started to put my plan into action. The first thing I needed was my fishing pole.
The hours passed quickly. It was now late afternoon. The sun was at my back as I stood inside the pig corral. Small beads of sweat had sprouted on my forehead and were forming rivulets down my face. The smell of fear was dank. Then I spotted them walking towards me; Gaston and Deveroux. As instructed, Gaston pointed me out and then ran to the main house to make sure the sisters and orphans stayed put and ignorant of what was going on. Deveroux continued toward me. His gait was that of a man with out a care in the world. He stopped short of the corral.
"Greetings Mr. Chet. You're looking well. I have a message from Mel's widow."
Mel. The guy who fed me, let me sleep on his couch and helped with my escape from Zaire. Dead because of me.
"You bastard Deveroux! Why Mel?"
"Mr. Chet, in my line of work, it's not good to be made a fool of. It's bad for business."
"And now you've come to kill me," I said.
"You and your young friend Gaston, I believe his name is. Now that he has seen my face. You know. No witnesses."
"You're gonna have to come and get me Deveroux. If you're man enough!"
Deveroux leapt the corral with surprising speed. He unsheathed a razor-sharp poinard that gleamed in the now setting sun.
It was the moment I had been waiting for. My guess was correct. I had counted on Deveroux doing his dirty work close up. I sprinted for the rear of the corral and pulled on the fishing line that I had rigged up to a wooden peg holding the latch to the gate of the retaining pen. A blur of brown and white exploded from the pen as the now ravenous sows thundered toward Deveroux. I had purposely not fed them their daily slop. A sharp crack was the sound of Deveroux's leg breaking as the first sow butted him to the ground. The rest of the hungry mob surrounded the screaming Frenchman.
The next morning, I gathered up scraps of shirt and trouser, shoes and belt. Also a remnant of an expensive looking herringbone jacket was left. I tossed the leftovers into the trash burning barrell. I noticed a gleam in the dirt just outside the corral. It was a money clip full of pretty Euros. It must have fallen out of Deveroux's pocket as he leapt the fence. The sisters were satisfied with the story of a man come to visit to collect an old debt and leaving empty handed and angry. The poinard lay beneath two feet of pig merde. As I said goodbye to Gaston, his eyes assured me of our secret.
Mr. Chet was headed home.

Recipe of the Week: Pork Chops le Orange
This delectable treatment of pig meat was a standard meal at the orphanage.
Ingrediments:
-Package (4 or 5) of thick cut pork chops
-Red potatoes
-Orange juice
-Fresh asparagus spears
-Olive oil
-Sea salt
-Pepper
Utensils:
-Gas grill or Weber (charcoal) The sisters cooked everything in the kitchen not having discovered the joys of outdoor BBQ. I've found the outdoor grill the easiest with less clean up and shorter prep time.
-Aluminum foil
-Tongs
-One bullwhip and a can of Dr. Scholls Footpowder (optional)
Let's Cook:
Massage some olive oil on the red spuds and wrap in foil
Drizzle some olive oil on the spears and season with salt and pepper and wrap in foil.
Marinate the chops in a ziplock with two cups of orange juice. The longer the better. Two hours is minimummum.
Fire up the grill and let pre-heat for ten minutes or so.
Put the taters on the top rack first and let cook for 15-20 minutes, turning occasionally.
Next come the chops. Brush a little oil on the grill to prevent sticking. You'll cook the chops about 6-8 minutes on each side. Remember--turn only one time.
Put the spears on the top rack after you have turned the chops the first time. Turn them once during the last few minutes of cook time.
Note: The acid in orange juice acts as a catalyst to break down the muscle fibers in the meat and can be used as a marinade with most any BBQ choice, chicken and chops being the best. SunnyDelight is not recommended. However Orange soda pop can be used. Enjoy and not to worry...your pork chops are not being imported from a small pig farm in France.

This Just In: Discover Magazine February 2005 discover
The rate of brain cell development doubled immediately after alcohol dependant rats went on the wagon. *Further studies revealed the male rats fleeing their female mates after the sobering up process was completed.
* "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time" (Mickey Gilley)


Chet says for a healthy and happy life:
-Try to eat 4 or 5 fruits during the daytime. Eat them a few hours apart by themselves to give the digestive juices a chance to work effectively.
-If you have a cat, talk to it as you would any adult except maybe your therapist or main squeeze.
-If you are between the ages of 18 and 35 and are thinking about a long term career with Wal-Mart, don't. Go to school instead.
-Wash your clothes dryer filter with hot soapy water once a month for a more effective use of electricity or gas.